shame

Making sense of Hard times

Some moments stick to your soul.

It’s when you get the “before” and “after” sensation. Sometimes you recognize it in the moment. You drop a road marker and think, I need to come back and think about this later. Other times you recognize its significance as you glance in the rearview mirror.

These moments often shift our worldview. They can come cloaked in a diagnosis, a failure, or an accident. It might be a time when we wished we said or did something differently. Maybe we spoke too fast or stayed silent too long.

Let Go of Shame, Take the L.E.A.P.

Kickball was one of my favorite games growing up. I felt powerful propelling the red ball through the air with a swift kick.

There are many things other than rubber balls that we kick down the road. All those “round to it” projects, the ones we tell ourselves we “should” be doing as good humans. These “shoulds” come in all shapes and sizes. It might be files to organize, doing your taxes, learning to play an instrument, or something as simple as writing a note.

For years I told myself I should create fabulous baby books for my children. I don’t know how I came up with the idea that perfect mothers have perfect baby books. What better way to project the perfect image, spotlighting the joy without having to mention the struggles?

The Path of Self-Forgiveness

Bleary-eyed and a little road weary, we walked along the hectic bike lane toward the beach. None of us sure about what to expect. The cliffs were high so you didn’t just enter from the road and cross the dunes the way you can at some beaches. Making your way alone is too dangerous, steep, and precarious. It is best done with a friend following the narrow way created by other feet.

Descending we made our way and perched on boulders overlooking the surf. One with a guitar, the others bringing lyric-filled phones and hearts ready to pour out praise.

The virtual world gives you an inkling of the real thing captured in pixels on a screen. But, being present in real life you experience so much more. This is not only true about the beach and the mountains but with people, too. FaceTime is great, but being with someone’s real face in real-time is altogether better.

There is no such thing as virtual forgiveness.

Some times, I think we approach the act

Security Blanket

As my college children return home, they bring with them mountains of laundry. What had been an arduous task several years ago, keeping the sports uniforms clean in time for the next game or meet, is now a joy because it means that the little birds are back in my nest. Wading through the detritus of the school year that has migrated into previously pristine spaces, I am thankful for the brief opportunity to wash, iron, and wash again. 

As I divide lights and darks, towels and exercise clothes, I am struck by the unfamiliar items I discover. The party t-shirts, the new jeans, a sweatshirt I have never seen worn. It is a reminder that so many of our days are lived apart. 

Nestled sweetly in the sheets I discover one very familiar holdover from the younger years when I was a witness to the minutiae of my children’s lives: The security blanket.