In the days before pondering entered my life, rather than embracing my own weaknesses, I spent time covering them up with Performance, Perfectionism, and Perseverance.
There, they remained unexamined, shoved under the rug. I was much more comfortable and confident examining my To-Do List rather than my shortcomings.
I brushed away the ramifications of my fierce independence hoping no one else noticed. This strategy worked for a little bit, but shove enough things under that rug and the furniture starts to wobble.
When a weakness was impossible to ignore, instead of seeing myself in God’s loving gaze, I focused on what I needed to fix. My hyperfocus blew small imperfections out of proportion. Rather than accepting my whole self I researched ways to eradicate the shortcoming. Mistakes made me feel awful, especially after investing time and energy trying to do everything right.
Despite my pursuit of perfection, my striving and personal improvement plans, you could probably guess I still made mistakes.
I know I'm not alone. This cycle leads many women to hide their bodies, clutter, emotions, doubts, and more. Instead of accepting our weaknesses or admitting our need for help, we take on more tasks (hello hypertasking). Our striving pace increases with each round of negative self-talk. We end up disconnected from the glory of who God created us to be.
It’s no wonder we end up exhausted, bitter, angry, or withdrawn creating an environment ripe for the occasion of sin.
In working on my latest project, Ponder, I stumbled on an idea that was new to me:
Self-Compassion is a spiritual practice. The _________ century saint who founded a monastic order, Saint Bernard identified four degrees of love. He named the highest, the fourth degree of love, the ability to love oneself for God’s sake. We begin loving ourselves for God’s sake in small doses and this can begin as we realized we may not currently being as kind to ourselves as God longs for us to be.
We offer boat loads of compassion to others, portioning a thimble full for ourselves.
You're generous in offering compassion to others. It's probably easy for you to make a meal, offer prayers, stand up for someone else, or provide a listening ear. Maybe you struggle with being stingy with the practice of receiving compassion. We'd rather not admit to needing this gift, even it means receiving it from God or people we trust.
Can you imagine swimming in a Pool of Compassion?
Before we can accept compassion from others, we need to recognize our need. Self-knowledge is a vital piece of coming to know God. We often forget that God created every last part of ourselves, including the parts we have not yet learned to embrace. Rather than avoiding personal reflection, let's peer under the rug with eyes of love and compassion.
We can begin by offering compassion to ourselves in the same way Jesus offered compassion to others. It might help to imagine encouraging your 8-year-old self about these weaknesses or mistakes.
What You Don’t like about yourself doesn't make you any less lovely.
Ponder the words, “Neither do I condemn you”, in conjunction with one thing you don't quite like about yourself. (John 8:11) This trait, quality, or part of yourself is not hidden from God. He loves your whole self and wants for you to do the same.
Pondering helps make sense of yourself and the world, in companionship with God. Instead of reflecting solely on your bright, shiny, filtered moments, you can bring your whole tangled self to the process. In order to reach the gold you'll wade through a bit of what you might consider unsightly clutter. Friend, the adventure is worth it.