Friendships forged around the table
We used to gather around square tables scattered across living room floors, which only hours before were populated primarily by legos. Once a month someone would fix the dinner and we would assemble like moths to a flame excited to catch up on the latest news not shared in the newspaper. Back in the day, before texts and social media, we trusted our husbands with the care of our little ones while we collected to savor the experience of talking to an adult about something other than feeding and napping schedules.
After the plates were cleared, the dice would come out and we would play Bunko. It would not take long before the laughter and hilarity would ensue. We bonded over this low stakes game with easy to remember rules. We found it simple to gather with a purpose and on a schedule. Over time, we collected inside jokes in the same way others collected recipes.
Although the rules were simple enough to remember, gathering became more complicated as our families expanded. Our children grew, friends moved away, schedules changed. Finding a sub became harder and harder, especially when it involved making real phone calls and waiting for someone to check their answering machine. Some nights we couldn’t motivate ourselves to even pull out the Bunko box and chose instead to eat and rush home to tend to late-night homework sessions. Life just got in the way and we retired our crowns as Bunko Queens, settling instead for waving at each other in the carpool line.
Photo courtesy of Unsplash and Katy Anne
Something that came naturally to us as children on the playground suddenly seemed so complicated in the midst of work and caring for children, husbands, and aging parents. Friendships seemed to get lost in the shuffle of our new lives. Most of us accepted this as our new normal and allowed our friendships to be pushed to the background in the same way as low rise jeans eased to the back of our closets.
Creating and maintaining friendships is not something we invest much time and energy in anymore. We love our friends, yet we allow our responsibilities and obligations to edge out the time we previously dedicated to nurturing relationships.
Are your friendships thriving or on life-support?
Our screens lull us into a false sense of security about our friendships. There is a temptation to mistake a text for a conversation and a Facebook heart for connection. We keep up with what is superficially happening in each other’s lives via Christmas cards. Yet we don’t speak. We may not even realize our friendships are on life-support until a new season takes us into a valley and we don’t trust anyone enough to share our burden.
We are missing out on what is simmering in our friend’s life because some stuff is too personal or embarrassing to post on social media. She is navigating her challenge alone because she’s not so sure how to reengage when she is in the middle of her mess. You would love to help her if you only knew, but she is afraid to be vulnerable because she doesn’t want to be Debbie Downer when everything is going so well for you.
We are living in the most connected/disconnected time the world has ever seen. Almost half of all adults surveyed report feeling isolated, alone, and left out. Chronic loneliness is as detrimental to our health as smoking upwards of 15 cigarettes a day. Y’all who thinks this is the best way forward?
I did not realize just how disconnected I was until I reconnected.
This week I had the opportunity to visit with women I have been friends with for most of my adult life. But, because we moved, we did not maintain close contact. If I am honest, I was a bit worried about what we would talk about after we caught up on the status updates of children and husbands. So many insecurities surfaced and I almost did not make the trip.
Can you relate?
As I covered the miles, I wondered if everyone was going to be “too busy” to visit when I was there. I mean, we were now more Facebook friends than real friends. What would they think? Each time I considered canceling the trip, I asked myself whether the trip conformed to what I value. The answer every time was a definite “Yes!”
I reminded myself that I have to be the one to combat isolation and loneliness in my own life, no-one was going to do this for me. I had to take the first step.
Loneliness is a liar.
Loneliness whispers lies and being alone makes you vulnerable to listen and believe. Sitting across and around the table with each of these women reminded me of what it felt like to be me. A little bit of loneliness was not bad and allowed me to savor the experience of being together.
Resisting the pull to remain anonymous and alone is vital. Remembering who you are in your friend’s eyes will put a spring in your step that helps you shrug off the damage loneliness wants to inflict.
Reconnecting or Creating Connection
We need our friends and it is going to take effort to maintain the relationships. Doing something together can help forge bonds of friendship. I created a six-week study guide that is the perfect conversation guide to use with new or old friends. The guide, Crowned with Glory, is based upon the book of Esther, which is filled with feasting, fasting, misogynistic misanthropes, murder, intrigue, great clothes, and jewelry. If you love dissecting the Bachelor, you will enjoy Crowned with Glory. And, best of all, it is free and there is no homework.
Sometimes I am more comfortable with a conversation starter to keep things from veering too far into gossip. I find it easier to say yes to an invitation to join a friend and try something new at a specific time rather than following up on her vague offer to meet for coffee.
Bunko was a great way to deepen our friendships because we met for a purpose and on a schedule. Talking about Scripture can help you reconnect with your friends. Grab your girls, carve out an hour, and walk through the book of Esther together.
Comment below and let me know how you remain connected with your friends.