It seems like a lifetime ago since I slipped my legs into the constraining nylon and pulled the control top up over all that needed controlling. When it is 100 degrees in the shade it is hard to justify this fashion accessory. I remember going straight to my bedroom each night grateful to, as my grandmother used to say, “get out of my tight fitters.”
Many of us are familiar with the constricting nature of Spanx. We are grateful to Sara Blakely, the inventor, for allowing our dresses and skirts to lay gracefully across our hips. But, we are even more relieved when the end of the evening arrives and we can free ourselves from the grip of the girdle. Oh, the things we do for fashion!
While we volunteer to shimmy into our “shapewear” for short periods of time, we may not realize that we have invited an insidious danger into our lives: the long-term soul constriction caused by unforgiveness.
Our inability to accept and extend forgiveness places a vice-like grip on our bodies.
Each day starts with the best of intentions. Our feet hit the floor and we hope that today we will love wholeheartedly. All. Day. Long.
But it does not take but a minute for our buttons to get pushed. Once it happens, we feel a tightening sensation creep into the area near our heart. Our response to the situation depends upon the time of day and the person pushing our buttons. Unfortunately, if you are anything like me, it is the people you love the most who become the recipients of your wrath.
We expend so much energy waging internal battles and some days we are running on empty. Sadly, we don’t realize the status of our tank because we are too busy to read the gauges. When we are depleted, it is harder to hold our tongue and control the look on our face.
Projecting our perfectly radiant selves is our goal.
More than anything, we want others to think we have this love thing all figured out. But more often than we care to admit we exude a cold shoulder or a fake smile. It has been this way for almost as long as we can remember and we can’t see a way out. Life is hard and we may think that our hearts need to be harder just to make it through the day unscathed, so we rationalize and excuse our behavior.
For more years than I care to recall, I held myself and other people hostage in bonds of condemnation because of my own inability to forgive. I wanted other people to act perfectly around me and conform to my idea of perfect. When they could not meet my unrealistic expectations, I meted out silent punishments. This manifested itself in stomach aches for me, icy stares for others, long negative phone calls about the situations, and many tears.
I entered into some conversations with a chip on my shoulder. Other times, as they say in the south, there were days when butter would not melt in my mouth despite the heat. This is embarrassing to admit, but I offer this in an effort to help you escape the prison in which I was held captive.
Our inability to forgive ties us up in knots & prevents us from loving others wholeheartedly.
There is another way.
It is time to release the prisoners and liberate ourselves in the process.
Forgiveness is complicated. Every day there are many things we need to forgive— the person cutting us off in traffic, our husband speaking a little too directly which hurts our feelings, our child talking back, a friend who gossips about us, the stranger who lets the door shut in our face, or our own sharp tone. Over the course of our life we have faced bigger things that are even harder to forgive: abandonment, addictions, lies. The list is very long, and we can easily count every item on it, categorized by offender, and the level of offense taken.
Ok, the list-thing may be a slight exaggeration, you might even be thinking about tucking these words into your back pocket so that you can help all the people in your life who struggle with forgiveness because it is easier for you. Each day, you are able to overlook the misdeeds and missteps of others giving them a pass for their bad behavior or the pain that they unintentionally cause. But, in the middle of the night, it is not others you have a hard time letting off the hook; it is yourself.
You may secretly believe that you are the cause of the bad behavior of those you encounter. If anyone rolls her eyes at you and speaks unkindly, you blame yourself for not acting in such a way that meets her approval. Then, you spend the rest of the day or night beating yourself up for not meeting her (unrealistic and possibly outlandish) expectations.
Life is not perfect.
People are not either.
Embracing these truths liberates our hearts.
Forgiveness is complicated when you expect things to be done or happen in a certain way. Your standards are high, and you are unable to grasp the bar that is set just out of your reach. You might think of yourself as perfectly likable and can’t understand the one person who rebuffs each of your attempts at kindness and bridge-building. You are disappointed in yourself for not being all that you think you should be. This disappointment leads to an internal monologue that is not populated with as many love-filled and affirming words as you know you need. I know how this feels because, not only did I struggle to forgive others, I had a hard time accepting it as well.
Are the standards you hold yourself to just a little too far out of your reach?
Has your life trained you to ruminate over minor offenses forming small callouses on your heart?
Our inability to accept and extend forgiveness decreases our capacity to remain in relationship with others. Our hearts become hard and divided in the process. Allowing ourselves to recognize our own patterns of behavior that results from our inability to accept and extend forgiveness, ushers in the opportunity to change. The freedom you experience from forgiveness is better than the feeling you get from finally being liberated from your Spanx.
Forgiveness is a gift you give your future self.
Whether this forgiveness is extended to another person or yourself, consider putting forgiveness at the forefront of your mind when you enter into conversations. Listen to yourself and others with an open mind and heart. Pay attention to the clues your body is giving when you think about a particular person. Allow the grip of condescension and condemnation to release their hold on your heart.
We are called to forgive again and again and the first person we need to forgive is ourselves. Accepting ourselves as we are, today, is the first step in releasing the chains of enmity that are holding us bound.