The path is not always clearly marked.
Bleary-eyed and a little road weary, we walked along the hectic bike lane toward the beach. None of us sure about what to expect. The cliffs were high so you didn’t just enter from the road and cross the dunes the way you can at some beaches. Making your way alone is too dangerous, steep, and precarious. It is best done with a friend following the narrow way created by other feet.
Descending we made our way and perched on boulders overlooking the surf. One with a guitar, the others bringing lyric-filled phones and hearts ready to pour out praise.
The virtual world gives you an inkling of the real thing captured in pixels on a screen. But, being present in real life you experience so much more. This is not only true about the beach and the mountains but with people, too. FaceTime is great, but being with someone’s real face in real-time is altogether better.
There is no such thing as virtual forgiveness.
Some times, I think we approach the act of self-forgiveness in the way we think about a faraway destination. There is fear and uncertainty. It would be great to let go of the shame, but we know that it is miles away and it feels like the process requires more time, effort, and planning than we have available. We wonder whether it is worth the effort. We have been internally divided for so long that we cannot fathom what it would feel like as we progress toward wholeness.
St. Faustina referred to God’s unending supply of mercy (His restoring forgiveness) as the Ocean of Mercy. Standing at the shore with water as far as the eye could see, I was startled by the vastness of His goodness.
I notice the splash from the dolphins swimming freely in the waves. I imagine throwing a rock with the name of each of my burdens. The water accepts the offering, the rock sinking from view. The ocean is more powerful than the rocks I toss. It not only covers but, eventually breaks the rock down and incorporates parts of the rock into the water itself.
God is an Ocean of Mercy.
God breaks down the sin and mistakes I am willing to admit and present to Him. Each time we toss our pebbles, rocks, or boulders His way— He is ready to receive them all. He accepts and envelopes. He embraces and wears smooth. He absorbs.
The process of forgiveness takes time.
How often am I too ashamed to acknowledge my imperfections in action, speech, and disposition?
For longer than I care to admit, I was unable to bring my own sins to God in an open and honest way. Instead, I carried these rocks with me. Some I carried every day, some were for special occasions. Regardless of their size, they weighed me down and made it impossible for me to walk through life lightly and with the peace I so desperately desired.
After searching everywhere for solutions to my bitterness and pain, I finally returned to the lessons of my childhood. I re-learned how to toss my pebbles to God during Mass, in Adoration, and in my morning quiet time.
Forgiving yourself is worth the effort.
One at a time, He showed me that He was a safe receptacle for the daily-ness and imperfectness of my whole self. The ways I showed up and said something wrong, stepped on toes, walked over someone with my words. It became easier to see Confession as a welcome conversation which allowed me to leave some stones behind rather than a torture chamber forcing me to take pick ax and mine my soul for imperfections. (This, of course, took time and a good priest.)
Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door to peace.
I am still working on these rocks and boulders because some require more strength than I can muster alone. But, I trust that with enough time and God’s grace, we will get there.
Sitting on the boulder, watching the dolphins leap and dive, I was once again reminded that we are created by God in love to respond to Him. His love is the creative force that desires to Restore each of us from the inside.
Do you struggle to forgive yourself? Please know that there is nothing, nothing, nothing that is beyond God’s power to Forgive, Restore, and Redeem. Forgiving yourself is a process, but one that you do not ever have to do alone.
Forgiving yourself begins in prayer.
Can you take your story to prayer? Put into words what you are most afraid to confess. This sin or mistake is what makes you human and in need of a savior. If you were perfect, you would not need Jesus. Putting a framework of words around the images and emotions helps you bring God into the process.
Pondering what God says about forgiveness helps you dive into the Ocean of God’s Mercy. Three passages helped me navigate the path of self-forgiveness. The adulterous woman (http://www.usccb.org/bible/john/8 ), the hemmorahging woman (Mark 5:21-43), and the good thief ( Luke 23:39-43).
Can you trust a good friend with your story? Sharing, out loud, is a great first step. Allowing someone else to hear what we are afraid to share, creates the narrow pathway for love to travel. Do you need to go to Confession or counseling? Is there an act of reparation or penance that bubbles up in your prayer and pondering?
Let me know, in the comments below, what you are thinking about the process of forgiving yourself. Please know you are never, ever alone.